Wednesday, April 18, 2012

That moment of silence

I know... silence... something that you don't normally consider when thinking of me. I'm okay with that. I like to speak my mind, I like to talk, I like to share (and I also like to listen). This world is so full of everything I find it hard not to... kind of why I find it easy to blog. Right now, however, I am at a loss... not so much that I don't know what to blog about I have plenty of topics I could bring up... but right now I am in silence. To the point it rings in my ears and hurts. Silence can be nice, it can be a place to think, but it can also be lonely and it can be brutal. When you scream in your head and still nothing its that silence...the answers don't come... you just hope that the road ahead clears... and the silence becomes words of comfort...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Smiling and breathing

A cup of coffee... okay, sometimes it really doesn't take that much... a cup of coffee... yep! A little hope in my window of doom... and my heart has started beating once more! The fire pit- still something always to fear and should be something to stay clear of- hopefully a very good lesson learned! For me, the phone call that started with "I am done, and with such a short window of time, you want to grab a cup of coffee and talk" it begins! That window of hope... sometimes that's all we have, all we can have, and all we need... for the day! A a window with a view!!!


My heart is in STOP mode right now and until I hear otherwise I just don't know what to do. I have feared this moment for a while but have had no idea how to stop it. When you play with fire you get burned. When you play with snakes you get bit, and in this case when you play with BOTH the combination can be deadly. I am hoping and PRAYING that the outcome to a VERY impromptu meeting that has my heart STOPPED is nothing more than a wake up call... YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH FIRE! Risking it all... I am trying not to panic... but it is taking everything not to fall apart... breathe... breathe breathe...... If only it were just that easy!
I guess I just have to keep swimming! Dang it! I forgot my flippers and goggles!

Monday, April 16, 2012

A little laugh

Sometimes people do get what they deserve. I know that seems a little harsh, but from where it is coming from I am not sure how else to feel. Being cut off and tossed aside as though I didn't matter and nor did my feelings- (or my families) you sometimes just sit back and wait. You never wish bad things on anyone- that's horrible! But when people pretend to be something they are NOT- in the end it always catches up to them, one way or another, life has away of equaling out and "righting" itself. I'm not one for "revenge" - I have no need for something so silly and such a waste of time and energy. No, I have found, while it may take weeks, months, and in some cases years, people do in turn have to face the music. After all- everyday people have to get up and at some point look at themselves. If they lie to themselves everyday from the start... it makes for a very long day.
I am happy with my life! Truly I am. People have asked me- do you feel that your MS is full circle for your "just deserve"?  That may be... I know I was by NO means perfect... I also know that I was by no means evil either. I know that along the way I may have hurt people, but in many cases I do feel I was equally hurt. Does that make it right? Probably not- have I ever tried to justify my actions- nope. I take my actions for what they were and have learned from them in so many ways. Regarding my MS... hmmm I think of all the "other people" in this world and yet with me, I have become so much stronger since my MS. For me, it was almost like a gift, a second chance. Yes, I know my "end" won't feel like that... but till then, I will always find a way to laugh a little. Mainly because well- as mean as this sounds- there are so many that have said I would fail- and I don't. There are so many that have doubted me- and I continue to soar. There are people that cut me out because I wasn't good enough or they found issues with me- that has been their loss- NOT MINE! So I am the one with a little laugh today... mainly because I see the BIGGER picture, like I always have, and I know even though it really isn't about winning or losing... I WON!
Leonid Afremov

A little off the course

First I want to say to all the people checking in- HI! Privet! おはよう hola! tja! szervusz! Guten Tag! hyvää päivää! dobriy den!  Let's get real for one quick second and talk about humble! I understand the world is a tad bit bigger than me... I really do- promise- and I REALLY promise that I KNOW that Facebook is not the "cat's meow"- totally understand that too! But when I started blogging way back when... you know when Simon Cowell was nice- HA! I never in my wildest dreams would ever think that I would look at my "stats" and see other countries lit up!
I actually thought (and thank you for letting me think it for a split second) my brother-in-law was taking time out of his extremely (that is NOT a joke) busy life- SAVING MINE- to read my blog as he traveled about the world thus getting me "WORLD WIDE COVERAGE". But No! I was really just that FAMOUS! Okay "famous" is NOT the world... but Russia, Ukraine, Egypt, Japan, Germany, and Finland...  talk about feeling the love! If only I "knew" who you all were! Anyway... I just wanted to go a little "off course" today and say THANKS! It's nice to know sometimes that complete strangers on the other side of the world tune in to see if I have had my melt-down... or not... :) just kidding!
Nah... I live in the greatest place on earth... no melt downs here!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Indy love

SUNDAY'S I am sure were made for several things. I have added INDY to the list! After all- INDY added my "home" to their schedule so why wouldn't I add their schedule to my life! I will say this- the sound in stereo of the roaring engines is completely awesome! I mean hello! There is nothing like the sound of that LOUD roaring noise heard... as the walls shake.   Yes... I love my Indy... and I love the drivers... but what I really love are the drivers that take their time with the kids...Tony you are a class act!  Dan Weldon... we will forever miss you!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Please just explain

Ever go through life thinking things are one way- living in a bubble only to have it popped? Please explain that to me! Why do we live so blindly and fail to see the signs around us that point to things that are right in front of us? Often we are so quick to point out anything for our friends and family, yet when it comes to our own "backyard" the elephant seems to elude us. I totally don't understand. I guess we fall victim to that adage that nothing bad will happen to good people, or maybe we simply select not to see the bad around us in hopes for change. I for one hate to think that people hurt me on purpose. That is just plain mean. Why would anyone knowingly do something that in turn would cause damage to my heart (yes I am aware it's more like my brain- read that blog for heart vs brain reference)?  I would like someone to explain just explain the "why" behind doing something knowing the end result.... cause to be honest- I don't get it!


I often think my life is divided into little bursts of time that I pretend to control- HA! Truth is I have no real control of anything- I am just awesome at faking out the world and looking great at having the best "time management skills". Truth is if the computer was taken away from me I would go into instant shut down mode. I can't tell you how much I multi-task  but who doesn't! But between the kids school- sports, my school, work and my 31 business being busy is just me...I try to have an upbeat outlook on the word "time". The way I see it sometimes you have to steal it... looks like I am going to have to figure out a better way... cause I am on the go alot!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Heart or Brain

While many argue the "heart" feels nothing, I beg to differ... I understand the "brain" is responsible for thoughts, feels, emotions, etc. And I am fully aware that the heart is an organ designed to pump blood to the body and move oxygen, it is not the "cute" shape children draw. However, does anyone every draw a broken brain when feelings are hurt? Has anyone ever pointed to their head and said a comment "hurt"? No, normally we point to our chest cause that's where we feel it... I think that tells us something! When we have a heart attack, our heart stops. Our brain has sent a signal, time to take a nap... and the heart for whatever reason said... Ok! Forgetting it's primary function and just stops, bringing us to our knees (or the ground). OUCH!
I have yet to hear anyone say they had a "good feeling" during their heart attack, and I have yet to hear anyone say they were happy that happened! Yet, we walk around life treating our hearts like they will just do what the brain tells them to do AND they have no feelings...
I for one KNOW my heart is FULL of feelings AND emotions! Not because when I was little I colored lots of little hearts or I have had it broken a few too many times. But because at the HEART of the matter... I know deep down my brain keeps me strong, makes me not snap when I could... but its my heart that allows me to cry...

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

People snap!

I think I get it! I think I understand how people are walking along life all happy and then some day just SNAP! Today I started out my day with my desk full of well- work... what else would a "work desk" be? Those that have worked with me- know how much I HATE clutter, and I really hate stacks of it! It's one thing to have the "organized chaos" that comes with "multitasking". SBE certifications, bid audits, corridor projects, 3 different  committee's "stuff", and then there is the "other" pile... yep we all have those... that "to do list" that isn't really our job, but someone needs to do it... yep... then comes the call, the request, the moment that just makes you want to SNAP!
YEP! You forget that you need your job to pay your bills and for that split second you are pretty sure a week in jail might actually do you some good! Hey, that's a WHOLE WEEK of REST! AND FOOD! Now I am TOTALLY not recommending the "snapped" approach... nope, I've taken on more of an internal "snap". I miss the days of Ally McBeal (that skinny nothing) picking people up and throwing them in the dumpster, ah if only! Nope, I can't have copiers smash people, but I sure can think about it! Toner does explode taking out my entire floor in a colorful rainbow... well in my mind anyway...
Hoping I don't cycle through the weapons on my ride home and and take out any cars.... Yeah... maybe I should lay off the video games while I'm at it... nah! Maybe I should stop and smell the flowers instead!


Having 3 kids you seem to learn a few things about yourself- fast! You say "No"- more than you say- "yes". But some of that is good parenting, some of that is well... knowing the family budget... My kids would live like rock stars if they never heard the word "no", but I also see their friends, and I am GLAD they aren't like some of them. As it is, my husband turned to me the other day and said, "what happened?"  While so many people tell us all the time what great kids they are (and I am NOT saying they aren't- don't get me wrong-they are), like most teens, (and pre-teen) quickly the wants get blurred to needs. Since when did an iPod become a need? A cell phone- a need? Laptop? The list goes on and on and on... and of coarse for every item a "friend" gets/has it simply raises the bar... I start to think back to when I was a kid. Yes I was "spoiled" compared to my hubby. Beyond spoiled if you want to look at "rides"- I will totally admit to that! But both my husband and my "spoils" came with a BIG word - Responsibility! My mom will be quick to speak of the "list" of chores that had to be divided up and completed. The lawn (my friends can speak to the size) had to be mowed, leaves raked (God forbid left on the lawn), and come "harvest time" the garden tended to. The garden was a good pool size (wasn't a couple tomato plants). So I always laugh when I get moans and groans when our yard (which can be mowed in less than 1/2 hour- Sorry Ambra/Aerie) and some TINY weeding needs to be done in our rock garden needs to be done. -Seriously? Edging with a weed whacker? Oh and "Blowing leaves"- oh the misery of it all....
Inside my house- I am beyond blessed! I have NO CARPET!!! In some ways it's a blessing and a curse... while I swear carpet is the root of all evil, tile/ wood floors lets you know how dirty you really are! Add to it children who act like its a "sweat shop" to have to sweep regularly... and MOP?!?! What? I just laugh!
I think back... somewhere I must have gone wrong... why don't my children see a mess and are horrified by it? Why do there rooms resemble a crime scene? My son is great at shoving to the corners so the appearance of a "clean room" is there meanwhile one glance around the perimeter reveals the truth... OH MY! And the girls... WOW... Hazmat suit anyone? I kid you not, my youngest daughter's hamster is missing AGAIN- and I think the dogs are too scared to try to find it...
They all talk about when they are grown how they will live. I laugh! My husband and I have tried to teach them cooking and cleaning (especially laundry) skills. I just pray that they marry well or do very well in school and make super good money cause I see maid service in all their futures!
an old picture (but a favorite)