Treasure Chest

It's always the little things in life that you miss during the holidays that you come to realize as you get older. Certain smells if things were cooked, or certain traditions- maybe even snow (for a day!). I remember when I was little we would travel to my grandparents at some point and feast with family- extended too! People that I couldn't tell you exactly how they were related- just that they were family- mine, and they all loved me too! My sisters and I would get new dresses (some years matching) and new shoes, we would run around, cause after all that's what kids do, and then we would all come together and sit down for a huge dinner. I remember people would fuss over my Grandpa (nothing was wrong with him) and I would think when I get older will I fuss like that? Now I would give anything to fuss over him, if only for a little bit... But we all got older, traditions have changed, families have moved, and what was once important has shifted.
When I moved to Florida I was blessed by a husband who not only loved me, but loved my son. In addition to that his family took us in and put up with my "demanding" ways. I brought with me "my" way of thinking and "my" way of doing things. Who knew there were other ways of doing the holidays? But with love and patients they let me in...

Last year I was quick to put up my tree, my village, the wreath, and decorate the house. It was wonderful!

Christmas Village

I just fell in love with the look and everything. That was last year! (actually I think the pictures are from two years ago because last year  I even had a train!)

This year came and it just hit. Life is life, you would think that with graduating school I would be flying high- that just wasn't the case. I heard over and over again how proud everyone was, and although my children were there to see my husband and myself walk it just felt like something was missing. Quickly the weeks passed.

Christmas came.

Anyone who truly knows me, knows it is a struggle and not my favorite time of year anyway, I push through, but enough "baggage" weighs me down and I generally glide through the holidays hoping I don't drink my weight. This year was like a rock got stuck in my throat and I just haven't been able to get past it, nor have I really been able to really express it.

It hit me. For years since I moved down, I have always purchased two wreaths. One I would decorate for my house, and other I always decorated very similar for Nana. She would always make a big fuss about how "us kids" (Rich was her grandson) shouldn't spend our money on that sort of thing, but then she would spend the whole holiday going on and on about it, totally delighted over a wreath. I always put some sort of little trinkets on it, and I never knew what happened to those. I know she saved them. That's another story, I guess... 

Last year she was gone. So I only made one wreath, and I thought about her the whole time I made it and how she would comment on how lovely it was. When I hung it up last year I smiled, and shed a tear. This year, there is no wreath. I don't know, maybe it was just my schedule, maybe it was just on purpose. Maybe it was easier... I know I thought that when she passed away there would be a little treasure chest of all the little trinkets from the last few years from the wreaths as I had watched her carefully take them apart and save the bows and little pieces telling me as she did how much it meant to her. It meant something to me, I guess, I belonged, if even for a little bit. I was so hurt to find the way her treasures were treated.

When my Grandpa passed there was a world of things my Grandma made sure that we knew was still there to touch, to feel, to be apart of, but I know even some of that is slowly slipping away. My Grandma has given us the biggest blessing of them all, with memories of photos, and stories and some bow-ties :)- I really wish I had taken some! But the memory of them and all the other precious moments will live with me in my memory treasure chest!

Lack of understanding

I was raised in a house learning religion. Learning about forgiveness, and most importantly God's grace. Love has always been something I have held dear, and forgiveness is something, that although hard at times, I have learned. People in my life have often remarked at the fact that it takes lava to get me to my boiling point, but like lava, I too have learned to cool under some of the most hurtful situations.
I witness people turning to God, using God as some sort of way to almost excuse their own behavior towards others. I guess I lack the understanding or I lack the knowledge where it is in the scripture that says treat some people in a righteous manner while walking over other and being down right cruel to others. That part may have been removed from my Bible, and that's okay, I wouldn't want a Bible that makes actions okay for some and not okay for others.
I guess what I am getting at is something I read recently (Thank you Kim). It talked about people who TALK about needing to work on their relationship with God (not saying that is a bad thing), but find themselves gossiping about anyone, or putting people down in subtle ways rather than lifting people up. The article went on to talk about how people are so quick to express their religious beliefs yet cut out family members for actions they didn't agree with. Pretty sure that isn't in the Bible either. Now I am not saying go hug your drug dealing, gun smuggling relative and help them commit a felony. But condemning family members and shutting them out for things they may not even understand, while in the same breathe spreading God's love for everyone- take a good look at yourself! Try...
I love my family, all of them (yes I said it)! One way or another either by blood or adoption, or marriage, my family has embedded themselves into my life and I would move heaven and earth for them. When they hurt I hurt. It sickens me to know however, that there is a member of my family that for whatever reason has decided that it is better that my family is not apart of their lives. WOW! But please by all means- love the Lord with all your heart!
This holiday season I have tried my best to toe the family line and be jolly. I guess the reality of the holidays really hit me when I realized my kids were not going to school today- I haven't even set up the Christmas village. The house is barely decorated. The tree and the lights are done, but that's about it. If my wonderful hubby didn't have a part in it, it didn't happen. It's hard to explain, it's hard to understand... mainly because I lack the understanding of why! But like she likes to say over and over again, I guess it's all part of God's plan!

Waiting for the end

Went to the Doctor and I knew I was looking at getting something... every time I am sick it is never a matter of "take an over the counter medication" and see how you do. Nope there is always something that involves a trip to the pharmacy. So I waited... Waited as she reviewed my file, almost looking for all the other treatments (I was wondering if she was just going to copy it or come up with some new) and she finds it- amazing- I've been sick before, and they have treated me before- really amazing! So she writes the scripts, and sends me on my way with a warning to rest the next several days and if I am not better by Monday to call... really? If I am not better by Monday- I think I will be dead- MONDAY! Wow! Great, so I am waiting for the end of this wonderful cold. I can't start taking my MS medication again until I am officially "cold free" but if I go longer than 14 days it starts a whole other health issue with my heart. Great!

September's end

September is winding down fast, wish my cold was traveling at the same pace. I took a new decongestant last night and that has seemed to help. I also did something I am not a fan of, but it was what was recommended to give me a fighting chance- I stopped taking my MS medication. Yikes! I am only stopping for a couple of days while my white blood cells have time to rebuild (at least that is what was recommended) hopefully, in a few days I will feel 100% and I can resume. Any thing longer than 14 days and I have to start all over again with a Dr.'s visit to ensure my heart doesn't stop... lovely! Nothing like taking medication that is oh so good for my brain but is wreaking havoc on the rest of me. Makes you wonder if a shot every day that destroys your muscles really isn't all that bad... just kidding! Trying to find the bright side today, looking hard... I'll find it! I know I will! I think I just did- Meg- I broke my "plain" Finally!!! down 5 more pounds and out of that last group!- about time! That's a total of 21 pounds so far! LOTS more work to do!     

personal struggle

I am trying to figure out if this horrible cold is in any relation to starting this new med. I can't shake it and I am miserable. Not just "oh take some cold med miserable" but is this ever going to end miserable?! It started after Amanda got it, gave it to Erik back in August- now the we are nearing October I am searching for anything that will give me the upper hand! This is one personal struggle that seems to have no real answer in sight! I need to win, and win fast! October can get here and see me laid out wishing to die! I have six weeks left of school- and I don't want to spend those weeks working in between a horrible cold... not fun!