Love,love,love

When do you know you love someone? When they make a statement regarding your level of love and it crushes you? Or when they aren't around and your very being is at a complete loss? Love is one of those words that often gets easily tossed around, yet when you do use the word it can be met with laughter. Love can be confusing and conflicting. You love a sports team and you LOVE a plate of pasta, maybe even at the same time. The sports team may hurt you, the pasta may give you heart burn, but neither will give you heartache.
Love... Love is one of those things that can easily be shown through flowers. But also with a clean kitchen. 
Love is simple and yet so complex, but apparently sometimes it isn't enough.

Moving on

Three kids no more! Now we are 4! Well we are actually 5! My husband has never really had the opportunity to have a relationship with his son from a relationship before me. But we have added our Great niece. It has been crazy.
It has been frustrating. My niece seems to be in somewhat denial of reality. She is really no longer her mother and we are adopting her daughter. The family dynamic is crazy. Therapy is the least of my concerns. The holidays are coming. I can't post on Facebook without my post being judged. Lord help me!

Outshined? Or lighting it up?

When one kid excels at everything he or she touches what do you do? Me, personally, I let her! The youngest of 3 with an age gap of 5 and 8 years between her and her siblings, it wasn't that far fetched that she would do anything to "keep up". Personally, if she could have gone to high school with her older sister (8 years difference) just to spend time with her, I think she would have. Driven is a word that is thrown around a lot, determined gets added into the mix. I am not sure what exactly it is. She has those moments when she is totally satisfied being "the baby" of the family and wanting everyone to do for her. But then she has the more often than not, moments of sheer independence where she is the one capable of everything. If you want to come along for the ride, hurry up, train is leaving! I often sign forms for school not bothering to even ask anymore what they are for. Permission to volunteer for this, permission to participate in a leadership program, permission to attend college next year. Wait- what? Oh, yeah, she has already taken a college class or two so sure... 3 more next year, and maybe some over the summer. Who is this kid? I laugh when people caution me (which I get regularly)- make sure she doesn't get burned out. Um, I am not the one that signs her up for everything, I simply "approve" at the last minute. And I mean it! The form is always completely filled out and all I need to do is sign my name. She totally cracks me up. As for my other two. "Shining" to me has always been based on the light that is cast. I am sure you can all remember a cloudy day when you looked at the sky and the sun was poking through the clouds in streams of light. The areas that were in the sun had no idea about the areas covered in darkness. Each one of my kids offers unique perspectives to life. My oldest daughter is thoughtful and kind, tenderhearted, but cautions. She will laugh with you for hours, and hold you in your arms while you cry. She will drive out of her way to bring you a cold drink when you are really sick, and try to cheer you up, and then give you a hard time for getting sick in the first place. She will beg you to make her Dr.'s appointment for her and then tell you that you have to go to, because while she might be "an adult", there are still some things you "don't go alone". My son is complex to say the least. While men are supposed to be tough, he still is able to have compassion for those around him. He will look at a situation and see how he can help out. And while he will always argue with me about who loves who the most, the fact that he still wants me to know that he loves me, means the world. His place and path in this world is still being etched while he attends college, and I am enjoying watching him mature. My youngest daughter is our feisty one. And lately, most mentioned because she is the only one still attending high school. As mentioned before, she also is the most active. Not because the other two didn't that the opportunities, trust me, they were active in their own right and participated in everything they wanted to. But with her, she doesn't slow down, she doesn't have a stop button. I have gotten used to it. Do any of my kids outshine one of another? Not from where I am standing. From where I stand I have three great sunbeams shining and lighting up this earth each in their own unique way! There's no darkness in my life, only hope and excitement for the future!

Blessed to be surrounded

In life there are people who will be in your life. You may or may not know their intentions. I am blessed by being surrounded by people who are in my life because they want to be and they are truly invested in my life as much as I am in theirs. If people are toxic in your life... Treat them like a cold- get rid of them! Sorround yourself with people who make you the best version of you! ❤

Not a waste but felt like it... But not to her

An hour drive to watch my kid get walked twice would feel like a wasted night. Especially since we have to get up the next morning at 5 am & be at the school for an NJROTC competition. But truth be told, not seeing her play, although very frustrating, is also always a teaching moment. She amazes me. She got in the truck tonight, and sure she was extremely upset she didn't play, but what she focused on was everything about the game. Everything in the position and other positions (that she plays or otherwise) and she picked apart issues in a way I had never heard her do. It wasn't so much out of anger, but out of frustration this time. She knows the game. And she knows she studies the game, the positions and plays within it.
She may have sat out tonight, and just batted, but when she was called up, the pitcher didn't get her number. Nope not tonight.
Tonight she played smart.

Checked out

Sometimes in life I fear things become a treadmill. Just a non stop, not really going anywhere race that leaves you burnt out. The strive for prefection causes further distance from people close in your life. While you often want to be the best for those around you, you end up pushing them away while on your quest.
I am often reminded how fragile life really is everytime we hear about the person who everyone thought had everything together and then takes their life or overdoses on drugs. How does that happen? I truly believe that people wake up one day and just check out. It just becomes too much. Too much to be what everyone else sees or too much to maintain. Slowly or sometimes abruptly they just withdraw and checkout. Sometimes withdrawing from social groups, sometimes it starts with social media. People don't take notice because well, everyone has enough on their own plates. Unfortunately, as this person checks out of more and more things and fewer and fewer people notice them that's when it seems everything really happens. How does a person overdose on drugs and people didn't know they were taking them- they were alone!
I look at my circle and know that while I may check out for the night, I never check out for life.

You make the call... I did!

My normal route to work is pretty standard- turn on the main road, turn, turn, highway, exit, turn, turn, highway...etc... 

This morning was different. I needed to pick something up at a local store. A quick in and out... That is always the plan, that is the way I shop! Those that know me, know I hate shopping. That is Rich's thing. I was totally successful. Less than 3 minutes! I actually thought I was breaking some sort of record, when a voice called out to me. (oh, no... I am doing so well- was really my first thought). I turned to look. Standing there was a woman/girl a little taller than me, and a little bigger than me... my sisters would tell you- I could still "take her" if it came down to it, but that was beside the point. It is 6:20 am and for once I was ahead of schedule! 

In this day in age, it has become a norm for people to come up to people and ask for "spare change" for all sorts of reasons and everyone has a story. So people, unfortunately, have become numb to others needs, and look (or run) the other way. I made the call, I turned around...

I already had my excuses lined up (as usual)... I never carry cash, and I don't have any change, I'm sorry... But before I could speak, she cut me off... She said she wasn't looking for money, she just wanted to go home, and then her tears flowed. She said she lived where I was headed. (DAMN... I don't have an excuse for that one... she doesn't know where I am going, I could lie).  Then she said how she got "here" in the first place... trusted a friend... That friend had betrayed her further and his buddy was talking smack about having too much fun with her... She got out. But in an area she knew nothing about, and now had no way of getting back.  

I instantly saw my two girls. I saw them talking to a complete stranger and it scared me. I was scared to think who would help and what would happen. I saw a girl in front of me with nothing but a cell phone that was dead... I made the call... 

Plugging her address into my GPS it was within minutes of my office, a little out of my way, but close enough. I prayed traffic would stay on my side. It did.

The trip over seemed fast. She spoke about work and school, was grateful to not have either today. And was worried about facing her mom. Again my thoughts turned to my girls, and even my son. I told her how important it was to talk to her mom and let her know what happened. And for me, it was going to be important to talk to my kids... make sure they knew that regardless of time... we would always take the call. I don't ever want my kids standing in a parking lot asking strangers for help, only to have them ignored, fearing for their safety.

As we arrived at her house, she thanked me several times, and then said... "oh, my Mom"... To which, I responded, "she's probably worried about you. Let her know you got home safe.- There are still good people out there." To which she smiled, and said- "Thanks for turning around!"

Yeah... I made the right call!

Say it like it is

My mom used to get on me for being a little too blunt at times. When I was little I very matter of factly asked a woman (much to my mothers horror) "are you pregnant or are you just fat?" the woman answered... She wasn't pregnant... And I didn't let it go (of coarse not) "is your husband fat too?" (nothing like a pre- schooler reminding you of your current health situation at a grocery store to help you make purchasing decisions). Well, she paused and she actually chuckled, meanwhile my mother had now become one with the shopping cart in hopes she would not become a causality in one of my latest outburst. As the woman started to answer, (of course my mother was apologising, the woman declared that yes in fact he was. (Gee surprise- not). To which (of coarse- you didn't think it ended there) - I declared "neat- match- match!" I was such a straight forward call it like it is kid!

Now some people would have scooped up their kid and never let that conversation blossom into the diabetic revelation that it did. But the great thing about my Mom is she always let me see things through- barring blowing up the house.
 I am sure, without a doubt, she learned that from her Dad. Grandpa Sam never let me blow up the garage or destroy the basement, but he let me make mistakes. Then he'd calmly walk me through the resolution. Dropping a set of wrenches once, while helping him work on a car became a lesson on measurements. They all had to go back, in order. He didn't raise his voice, he just looked down and said... "Well, I didn't think you needed to know where all the wrenches went, but now is as good time as any." While putting them away he would remark at what a fine job I was doing. His little whistle and shuffle back to his work station or the car are some of my favorite sounds. He'd comment on the importance of certain things and tell me how to get out of others....
Yep, saying it like it is is something you learn. But you also learn when to hold your tongue, how to be patient, and how to be caring. One of my hopes in life is that I am passing on that calm to my kids. His patients and ability to say it like it is without harming of others (maybe I am still working on that). Teaching moments are all around us and I hope I capture them with the sheer awesomeness my Grandpa did!

I miss you every day Grandpa- just saying it like it is!

Timeless Parenting

As each year passes, I find myself thinking back to the beginning. Rolling up to the field and trying to convince Elizabeth to stay in her stroller. That was a losing discussion from the beginning. She was off to the races right from the start. She always has been.

Now, over 10 seasons later, and many trips to the Doctor and ER with all of the kids, the one thing I do know is I wouldn't miss a single moment for anything!

I still get excited with each crack of the bat, every play, every awesome feet they accomplish. And while I am the first to help bring them back down to earth and remind them Nike isn't knocking at our door signing any deals (yet), I am definitely their biggest fan!

Being a parent is a timeless act.

I know how delighted I still get when something I do makes me swell with pride, and yet the first think I want to do is share it with my parents (who live several states away). My parents have never shied away from congratulations in fear of creating "big egos". They also weren't afraid of knocking us down a peg or two. We grew up, and they have never stopped being parents... Timeless!

Nothing felt better than hugging my daughter last night and telling her how proud I am of her. Not just because in 5 games in two days she had 2 in the park home runs, and 3 RBI's (yeah I can brag a little- it's my blog!) But I am proud of who she is, as a teammate, as a person, as my daughter. If they had lost every game, she would have gotten the same hug!

I hope years from know she'll look back on these years and not remember the trophies or awards she received (those are great too), but remember all the people that were around her. The friends that hugged her in the dugout (or pounded her head when she scored). The high-fives she got from coaches and their non-stop encouragement. The times her Dad coached her and worked long hours with her to help her grow or was her umpire and set her straight. The times she spent with other trainers working hard to get better. And lastly, the fence... when she looked through the fence what she always saw...
It's awesome being her mom. It's awesome being a mom to three great kids!!!

I love watching them grow and can't wait to see what life will continue to bring them.

Are we there yet?

Sometimes I wonder where "there" is. How do you know when you actual get there either? So often people spend there lives searching for something or somewhere, they miss out on what is right in front of them.

I am truly blessed by an awesome supportive family! And I know it! I have a husband who knows how to work every appliance in my house- and does! I have kids that can cook- and do. I have pets that, well, are pets, but show affection in their own way.

I hear people complain about their jobs, how they "hate" corporate American, how they are so happy to live a life free of it (when they leave it). I also hear them complain about their family and what they don't do... seriously? Be grateful they are here! My husband and I work in the public sector (government work) and have never had the "high paying" crazy outlandish salaries people complain about with government work. Not that I would complain... No, we have done the work. Put in the hours (and then some). But not received that pay everyone just assumes all government employees make.

But more importantly along the way we have helped many people, some we knew, most we don't. Our biggest hope was and is to be an example to our children in the same way our parents have been for us. Rich followed in his Father's footsteps and it has led to a great career (and a retirement already!). As for me, I watched my Father pack a suit case for years and travel all over the country on a moments notice to help out several different companies in need, and my Mom's kindness and empathy always impressed me as she dealt with various people. In the dental field I took that compassion to heart, and in my government position I melded both lessons (leaving the suitcase at home) to learn how I could service my community better.

Are we there... yet? Who knows... But I do know that we are very blessed to have great teachers in life that set a path for us to follow. Our road continues to have all sorts of bumps and turns, and with my awesome husband and family... I thoroughly enjoy the ride!

What I've learned at 6:30 am

I am NOT an early bird. I'm not really a late bird (or night owl) either. No I'm a pillow puff. (Aubrism) Give me a nice comfy relaxing place and soft pillow and Wham! I can sleep. (See other blog for details!) But I have found that since my school schedule ended and I have no true desire to start a Doctorate, my "alternate" work schedule hasn't changed one bit.

Coming in to work at 6:30 am has provided me with several insights. Mostly about myself, but some about people, in general.

For one, no one makes coffee in an empty building. When I arrive, I am the first one here most days. I'm here before security. So I'm on my own, literately. No coffee, and no security. Just me and my key card. Locked doors behind me, and hopes no one "finds" there way in.

Sounds are louder when no one is around. I hear everything when I am alone. Yet have the ability to tune out everything when everyone arrives. Peoples phone conversations, doors opening from comings and goings, and even the occasional ring of my own desk phone when I am working on a project.

My hair looks awesome at 6:30 am! Not so much at 4:30 pm. Who knows if its the Florida weather, or my playing with it during the day when I get frustrated, or taking my sunglasses on and off my head all day. But by the end of the day, it shows. Want a "fancy" picture of me? Schedule it early! That's all I'm saying.

Although I am not a "big breakfast" kind of girl, I do enjoy my complete alone time before people arrive to sit at my desk, work on stuff and eat fruit or whatever without being bugged.

I have also learned that when it comes to getting stuff done- it is the best time for me! But I have to be careful. I have sent emails, only to get phone calls from people surprised I was in and then wanting me to look into more or hoping I could take on more without asking my boss. I have returned voice mails (to their voice mail) only to have them call me right back with the same results. So I do review and answer carefully. There are whole groups of people that know I am here and know they can get a hold of me, in a pinch. But that I am using my early time as catch-up time.

When you come in early- you leave early. But I have learned some people don't understand that concept and get upset when they see you leaving. Even though when they arrived to work (almost two hours later) you had work waiting for them on their desks, and you had emailed (or replied to emails) making it clear you weren't at home sleeping in the comforts of your bed... Nope, even before the sun was up you were hard at work answering the unknown.

The biggest thing I have learned at 6:30 am is that I really do type loudly. No I mean it! I thought that my keystrokes weren't all that bad, but man does my keyboard take a beating.

Okay, seriously, I've learned that one of the best things is that when you are struggling in life, all the prayer warriors are up (well most of them anyway). And they are quick to let you know they are thinking of you and will keep you in their thoughts. (I KNOW NOT WHERE YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING).

I am always grateful to all the people in my life that take the time to "follow" what's going, share a laugh, and understand that some things we just have to roll with, some we pray about, the rest we blog about.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

Kids and "their" legacy

Often I see parents "living the dream" through their kids. The "Monday Morning" quarterback gives new meaning once they become a parent to a child protege. Fights break out (among adults) over the simplest of things, clearly "little Jeter" should have been safe... And no one wants to mess with a parent who is well versed with "the rules". (Well their version of the rules anyway).

I have coached/managed youth sports in the past. I have also sat in the stands during various sports including soccer, softball, baseball, and football learning all along the way- no one is ever really "right". I have learned to walk away. Disagreeing, I might, but arguing, I hold my tongue, saying nothing, and simply nod allowing the other parent (s) to voice their frustrations, and then... walk away...

My hope in the gesture, is that I leave a level headed legacy my children can appreciate. One that my daughter sees as non- confrontational. I don't NEED to be "right", to be "right".  If other parents feel they "won"-okay. But I didn't look like a foul over pettiness. To me, that really is "winning".

As for my kids, I want their legacy to be the same. I want them to hold their heads high. Sure, I don't want them to back away from things, but I also don't want them to fight for the fights sake. I want them to know real compassion. I want them to have honor in the actions they show others. I want their hearts to be a beacon for others to aspire to. At the end of a game, I want others to be encouraged, not because of how many hits or runs my child had, but because of how she lifted her team and encouraged them winning or losing. I want my child's legacy to be one that is talked about for all the positive reasons children should play sports.

I want her ability to laugh at herself and have fun to carry her through her hardest days in life so others see that struggles aren't that bad and do build character. And most importantly, I want people to know, that being close to your family is truly a gift and my kids were stronger because of it. I want people to understand that while my husband and I may not have steamed up the corporate ladder and barreled our way through to the top, we did something even better, we raised an awesome legacy! We are so proud of all our kids and the legacy each one will leave behind.

I LOVE how well rounded she is! One week... Choir concert, softball fields (practices and games), Field Trip, and then Orchestra with me- not to mention school!

Who will show up?

Thinking about it, I sometimes wonder. If I were to die today, who would show up? Would it be people wanting to make sure I was really gone? Or would it be a room full of people consumed with grief over the loss from the many ways I have touched their lives?

My hope, the later...

So often we go about our lives collecting business cards, adding Facebook names, putting names in our phone contacts, and boosting our "network". For what? Are we impacting the lives of those people, or hoping those people will answer our call when we need them most for whatever cause we call on them for.

From the kids fundraiser to a too short notice out of town trip with needed pet care, we rely on the contacts in our lives we see flash through our lives, hoping they will respond. Acting annoyed, even, when they have other things on their plates. Seriously?

But then in a flash, it all stops. One day you are gone. It might just be old age, it could be all those sodas you said you didn't drink (when no one was looking). Either way, there's the obituary in the paper that a family member spent hours trying to write. Wanting to honor you, not forgetting anyone, or offending anyone, but also not acting as though you were a patron saint the Vatican has somehow overlooked thus sending the people who really knew you into needless eye-rolling... yes, the end has come... what did your legacy leave for the ones you left behind?

For me, this day will come. I am fully aware of that. It won't come for a billion years, (okay, maybe that's a stretch) but since I live my life like super-mom leaping tall buildings (or at least jogging to the car for an inhaler during a softball try-out) I am sure everyone is stuck with me.

Being stuck with me actually means a few things!
Living your life for others is really not that hard. Its not the "being a mom" living your life type. Sure, picking up the kids and running around seems like fun. Sure! Who doesn't want to live their life in the carpool lane with all the other happy Moms (and Dads)? No, I'm talking about looking around and seeing what can't be done and doing that. There are so many people in your own neighborhood that struggle for some reason (age, health, income, etc) and just need a little help. In some cases, its just knowing you are there. How hard is that?
Remember growing up? Remember how you knew all the people in your neighborhood and they knew you? Name 5 of your neighbors now, and their kids! Not so easy... yet if they came out panicking because they were missing, would you help look? I would.

Each day we wake up and make decisions. We decide what we wear, what we eat, and who we talk to.

Be intentional in your life. Make decisions that say- I showed up. I care. It's not just about me.

That's how I'll be remembered... one day...

Years

Often I find myself wondering how time flies. It seems like yesterday I was making a huge decision and moving to Florida with a little guy that didn't quite understand. Now 13 years later so much has happened that one little blog post hardly does it justice. Sure there have been moments when I was totally homesick, missing my family, coffee with my Mom. But I wouldn't give up my life for anything in the world.

What and who I gained are so precious to me, I am beyond blessed. So while it may not seem like it enough, I know where I am in this world, where I'm headed, and where I belong. That's a pretty awesome feeling...

Thanks honey for walking this path with me, sometimes leading the way, sometimes letting me take the lead... It's an awesome journey, and I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else!

Carry on

Many years ago I embarked on a journey... Yeah that sounds so cool doesn't it?
Well, motherhood often is. Knowing that during the journey you really aren't driving but merely a passenger along for the best ride of your life let's you have the best views!

 It starts in the beginning with this tiny little life that depends on you for, well as everyone knows, everything. Then at two, they have grown into independent "own-self" little people that find their way into a world of "can do". Around 5 they learn a little help isn't such a bad thing, unless someone is watching. Then come the "years" from 8-12 where each child varies some are drastically dependent on their parents for everything while others couldn't be farther if they lived on their own island. Around 13-14 (if not earlier anymore) comes that first TRUE I mean true heart break and that's when parents (and their reactions) play such a vital role. "Lift your chin, there's other fishes" or "let's take care of you" parents often pave the way for the future... ahhh... 15 not quite there, but not back there either that age when older friends are  leaving and new friends are "too childish" a true sandwich- and parents are clueless. Then comes 16- sorry parents, you're still idiots, but at least now the child has dreams, hopes, and know what they want out of life (even if they believe its super easy for all of it to just happen). I love 17-19! This is where it gets real. Money becomes real, things actually cost something. There is value to things and the tree in the back isn't where money is made. All the years of past lectures finally seem to sink in, (sort of) they may still act like you are a complete moron- but they are starting to see that some of those hard lessons you have been trying to drive home weren't because you enjoyed hearing yourself sound like your parents (wasn't that creepy the first time).

Off to college or moving out... that next phase... independence. I remember it well. No longer under my parents health insurance, a car payment, auto insurance, rent, utilities, gas, food, and everything else, paying for everything with what I made. It's amazing my life wasn't more than just Ramen noodles. I sure did stumble along the way...

But the good news is just like I know my kids will... we carry on. The journey is a great one... carry on...

What! What!

My youngest recently posted a photo on her Facebook page that made me pause for a moment. It wasn't bad, it was her. And she was gorgeous! All grown up! I couldn't believe my little girl was so grown up. But no matter what, she still loves her parents and gives loves, hugs, and respect...

Guess we are doing it right!

Almost grown up, but not yet

Sometimes its hard to remember my kids aren't grown ups. Weird. I know. You look back at when they were born and you struggled to figure out why they were crying- diaper is clean, they were fed, burped, they even slept, you'd hold them, and they still just weren't happy.

Then they would talk... and boy did they. What language was that? I, for one, never believed in "baby talk". It was hard enough to learn "proper" English, let alone a created language that a child would outgrow in time. Besides, nothing like calling out to a 16-17 year old to pick up a "wooby" (blanket) in front of his now girlfriend. AWESOME! Just wasn't going to happen. Not to mention, I didn't have time to teach a made-up language to any hopeful babysitter I might attract when the kids were little.

Seriously, I can't tell you how many babysitting jobs I had as a teen that started off with well intended parents giving me their child's dictionary for communication. I think the parents may have been a little surprised to come home and learn their child knew how to speak real words (and wasn't crying- but laughing).

Now my youngest is 12, my son is 17 (almost 18), and our oldest is 19 (almost 20). While our oldest just recently spread her wings reaching that "grown-up" stage, the phone calls to Dad any time something comes up is that sure sign that while things are moving along... there's still that little wiggle room for need (which is a good thing). Then there are the other two, which brings me to my actual topic!

I am totally one for teaching independence. As soon as each of my kids could reach the buttons on the washing machine they now could be responsible for completely doing their own laundry (they have days of the week for that so no one is on top of each other). Folding and putting away has been their job since they could open and close their drawers. Why? I don't wear their clothes! If it is important to them, they will take care of it, and for the most part they do.
Dishes are pretty much the same story. I am crazy when it comes to having a clean kitchen. If they can reach the sink, they can help with dishes. Loading/unloading the dishwasher or hand-washing dishes has always been one of the biggest "tasks" that seems to be a labor of love.
Their rooms are no different (cleaning, vacuuming, etc).

Then came cooking... I was raised in a house as the oldest of four girls and on my Mom's side of the family the oldest of six granddaughters. It was never said that "females shall learn to cook", but it was certainly taught. Both my Mom and Grandma included me and my sisters as soon as we were tall enough to help (with anything). So when it came to my kids I took the same approach, if they came into the kitchen during prep time- it was because they wanted to help!

The great part of cooking is it involves reading. It involves measurements, calculations (math), and it involves critical thinking. If the meat dish takes 40 minutes, the veggies only take 10 minutes, what time should I start them so they'll be hot and not over cooked? But cooking also involves patients, and most importantly, it involves attention without distractions.

It's that last part that adults sometimes forget doesn't always mix well with kids (and some adults). With today's distractions I find myself thinking of the movie "UP" and hearing the dog talking interrupting himself frequently with the distracted "SQUIRREL!".  Is it any wonder there aren't more house fires as kids start their favorite snack only to hear the theme song to their favorite tv show and 20 minutes later remember "oh yeah, I'm cooking!".  Luckily, most kids think cooking is microwave only, and most kids only know how to cook using the number system rather than some of the fancy pre-set systems. But I am sure many kids have lost bags of popcorn, or over cooked that "Easy Mac" and just sucked it up.

But the stove! Oh the Stove! Some parents would say- YOU SERIOUSLY LET THEM GO NEAR IT WHEN YOU AREN'T AROUND? Ah yeah! And I let them cross the street too! I do NOT plan on moving WITH them or going to college WITH them. They have to learn. Do I want a house fire? Oh, HELL NO! But I also want them to grow up. Which means making some mistakes along the way.
While I won't throw any one person under the bus... I know some adults that have had the fire alarm go off a few times letting their kids know "dinner is ready". So to say distractions only happen to teenagers, well, that's silly... BUT one would hope that this learning moment helps in that growing up process.

Because after all... they're almost grown up, but not yet!

Life's blink

It's always amazing how things change in a blink on an eye. You can be having the greatest day of your life, having spent it doing wonderful things, but receive news about a love one and everything changes.

Bright eyes...

Years ago, longer than I can even remember, my Dad gave us nicknames that would be unique to him. I became his "bright eyes". He said they always smiled, they always were happy, and they always shined- they were just bright! He could count on me to provide a sense of happiness with just a look. Wow! Now that's powerful! Powerful to tell a child that they can make them smile because of the inner brightness. On some of my hardest days in life, I have always wanted at the very least, for my eyes to shine bright, his bright eyes.

Last years loss of my Grandmother was hard, crushing, but also timely. It was my Dad who at one point needed a hug, and as I was hugging him, stopped and looked at me right in the eyes... Teary, he said, "thank you my bright eyes, I really needed that." 

During that time, I tried to hold it together for the family. My mom had lost her Mom, my Dad had lost what had become one of his best friends, and my sisters were all grieving in various ways. For me, the oldest, I was in solutions mode, fix it all, grieve later. Keep my chin up, and my eyes bright...

The last couple of weeks have seen a new struggle. My Dad has had various surgeries, a hip replacement, some other health stuff. But then came his heart. Nothing can prepare you for issues with your parents and their heart. Everyone knows how the body works, heart-good, no heart.... You get it...  

For those that follow here and there, or those that barely know me, some wonder- why the two names? Well... I have two men in my life that earned and won my heart. I married one, the other one I let adopt me and be my Dad... Yeah, I said "let". But the truth is he chose to be my Dad, that was what was in his heart, for me to be his. Not a "step" anything... But his. So I'm not quite ready for any "blink of the eye" changes just yet... 

No, I still enjoy being his "Bright Eyes".

Holidays

With my niece having a baby this Christmas, there would be plenty to be happy about... one would think. But with all the loss from last year and the continued loss this year, its hard not to think of those that will not be around. I know each year people get all excited for those shiny toys and the new stuff. But I often wonder what about all the people that are gone, are they watching? Are they proud?
I never just stop during the holidays, as any follower would know, but its especially during these times I wonder, when everyone is together and some of their traditions start being forgotten do they frown?
Sure, with everyone new traditions are born, some for the better! I'm glad I don't take a horse and carriage to well, anywhere. But instead, I can get into a car and go, because a tradition of thinking was broken, yet horses haven't gone away.

So no, we don't have to worry too much that all will be lost, but we should take a few moments, and make sure that we do honor those that came before us, that paved the way. Teach our children just a few things that made us who we are today. With any luck, those moments will help guide the next generation back into a brighter tradition.

Heart pain

Ever wonder what people are really thinking? Ever think maybe it's better that you don't know? Some people do well with criticism, while other do a couple things- 1) get very upset and fight back 2) fall into a hole and just implode. I'm glad I had the opportunity in life to learn from some of the greatest on how to handle life's fights. Sometimes you just don't need to put a horse into the race, sometimes you find every horse on the farm.... But I don't need to fight. I know where I stand in life. And I do know what's right and wrong. I also know I'll be really glad when it's January....

 This isn't my season. There I've said it, ba hum bug, it is what it is, but the bottom line is while so many are excited about all the "things" this time of year brings, I'm fighting to keep my heart from breaking into a billion pieces (all over again). Stupid as it is, but my life has solace in it. I have succumb to the notion that some things happened in life for a reason, and I wouldn't be on my current path if I had endured a torn heart at one time or another. At some point, however, the pieces do become ultra tiny, and fitting them back together becomes a task that takes on a whole new job. 

Each winter season I am blessed with the sun. I am not pounded by the unforgiving biting cold to further remind me of my losses. The days the air has the crisp bite, I only have to breathe a little deeper to take in the salt air, rather than fear the dry air grown accustomed in the cold northern air. Life changes, as have I. I try each year to make it the best I can for my kids.

This year the tree went up, I created new decorations, and the village looks great with the train. I hope it can be enough to fill the spaces where my heart still breaks....

It's just not the same... Just not the same...

At least I have him by my side....