Weight

Weight of the world, Weight loss, weight gain, weighted grades, weighted down, weighted voting areas, weighted feelings...
Ever notice how much our lives revolve around one little word? WEIGHT! There are some that get up every morning and slip into anything that is in their closet. Then there is the rest of the world, that sit in front of there closest hoping that what they pick out won't embarrass them (or others). They hope they can get through the day without loosing a button, or busting a zipper. They pray at the end of the day the line on their stomach will go away by bedtime... Yep weight.  Living on a treadmill, elliptical, running, or a class for some is the rat race that in some cases feels like an endless race to the fridge more than it seems a smaller size.
Why do we do this? Cause for one we grew up in the "clean your plate clubs" only to learn that less was more! We have weighted ourselves down with all sorts of troubles and found ways around them time and time again... often cake...
I smile today as I know I will go home with my gym shoes on ready for the gym (taking off only Wednesdays and Thursdays- and some Tuesday's) and throw myself at some workout... why... well for a few reasons: Not because I have some complete low self esteem that says I am a cow and need to get right... NOPE! I know all things considered, I may not be perfect but my scale has yet to ask for relief. Not yet anyway! No, I'm heading to the gym because well I can! I can walk, skip, even jog a little. That is a HUGE feet all things considering. I want to continue being able to say that exact statement for years to come. I want to stand at everyone of my children's weddings, without help. The weight of the world... at times, weighted feelings, you better believe it! So as I gain a few pounds and loose a few, I know that every day I hit the gym and knock out a 5k on a treadmill, elliptical, or bike I didn't just win another day for me... I won it for them! Weight... a battle of words I think I'm winning...

shaking it up

I have great friends! I have people that will listen to me, cry with me, and tell me when I am way out of line! THOSE ARE TRUE FRIENDS! I find myself from time to time searching for reality checks because my weeks tend to fly by and I make decisions without thinking. I need people around me to say "HEY- are you serious!" If it weren't for those people in my life shaking me now and then, who knows where I would be. I am grateful to all my friends who keep me grounded, but at the same time bring out the crazy in me that expands my horizons and pushes me to be more than a couch potato!
I truly believe everyone has a point when we get lost in ourselves and we start acting in a away that we justify for one reason or another to be okay. It maybe "for the kids", or "just to pay the bills", sometimes its "the need to succeed", but in the end if we took a real long deep hard look in the mirror and were HONEST with ourselves we would quickly realize the backstabbing words, the cruelness shown to others, or the slips in judgement (for the good cause) weren't really all that good after all. Does being right all the time really matter all that much? Is being in "charge" of every situation really all that important? Having a stronghold on every situation sometimes comes at a price, a human price. As I watch my children grow and develop relationships (working, friends, etc) I can only hope I leave them with a sense of kindness and respect towards others regardless of the situation. To care about other people regardless of what they think and feel. Knowing that on the other side of the table, room, area is a person with real feelings and a real heart that can and will be broken. Cut throat actions may get you to the top, but as you stand at the peak looking down (alone) its a long fall. Who will be around to catch you? I prefer to climb with people, bringing them with me, so if we fall, we fall together- laughing the whole way down, dusting ourselves off and plotting a new way to the top. I hope that when we get to the top I can share the view with all my friends and delight in it- whatever view it happens to be... just a dream, gosh, I hope not!

stopping to think

Saturday's come after a long week of work... sometimes we are lucky and the week flies by, sometimes the weeks drag on as if never ending. Then Saturday is here! The day is always packed with to-do lists that can never really be done, and lists of people you would love to spend time with, but some how miss seeing. I wish sometimes we worked the weekends and had the weeks off! Five days to do what we need to do on the weekends, and visit with the important people in our lives. I think about work and wonder what would happen if everyone could only do their jobs 2 days a week- sure buildings would take forever to build (if we staggered those two days it could happen), stores would need to work with me on this... but I just think we would be happier in life if we took time to enjoy it more and stress less. I even here my stay-at-home mom's (GOD LOVE YOU!) stress over what they can't get done because of the endless needs during the week in preparation for the weekend- just crazy I tell you! I want to enjoy my time.
I have a paper to finish writing today, photos I need to go through and hopefully post, a house I should attend to (that won't happen-watch), laundry that needs to be done, and find sanity (I hear they have it somewhere). I figure that is a good enough list!
Wish me luck!

Are you kidding me?

So Friday is suppose to be the laid back kick up your feet day- right? Someone didn't get that memo! I didn't go to work yesterday because my MS won that battle and getting out of bed became the chore. So today was the "we need..." and "don't forget..." Then came the calls (I forgot to mention it was only 9 am) next thing I new I was downstairs for about an hour and half- okay but that means NOTHING gets done! Shortly after that I get another call, I am needed at a Fire Station- really? Now normally these are fun calls and I get to enjoy myself- not this visit... contractor scope issues involving SBE (Small business enterprises) are always "fun"... so hard hat (yes I look great) in hand- off I went. Still bumming they don't have a fire pole, living with the flat screen tv! Mad I missed lunch- what gives! So the day is one huge mega meeting that leads me dirty- dirty!!!!!! YUCKY!! So I am finally back at my desk- I'm forgetting the part where it's almost time to go- and I open my email- WHY DO WE DO THIS ON FRIDAY AFTERNOONS? So HOLY MOTHERLOAD! I have 40 emails- like I have time for that- it's Friday people! (Megan I know you are laughing at this point- along with all my other "peeps" who can totally hear me saying this- STOP SNORTING!) So I'm going through them and some are whinny wanting information they received at a meeting (read your notes people), some are event information- DAN WELDON PARADE next Tuesday- SWEET! Then there was one that stopped me in my tracks!!! Okay it's email I wasn't going anywhere... it was from this Mom I had talked to at the ball field on Wednesday during Lizzy's game. Now anyone who knows me, knows I walk around... and cheer for PLAYS... most people don't know I have a kid on the team- I don't say I do unless people ask. If you don't know me enough, I don't share that info. We talked as I was cheering on someone, because she asked me if that was my daughter. I told her no, I just know she can hit- (it was actually someone from the other team my daughter had played with the year before).  I know kind of crazy- but my heart is always with the GIRLS- plays are plays, and I want ALL of them to do well. So she was telling me she knew me from earlier in the season- we got interrupted because - like always work came in- a guy wanted my business card and we started talking. She came back to me and started asking me all these questions- I felt bad because to be honest since being removed from the board, I try not to answer anything, say anything, or do anything that can be used against me... NOT going down that road again!!!! I mean seriously! So I joked with her a little bit and asked her how many years she's been at softball. First year! And there it was- a newbie! I tried to reassure her and told her that the first year can sometimes be rough but as she gets more involved she'd learn more. I gave her my card and wrote the website for league on it. I thought that would keep me out of trouble- right? Yeah back to my "FRIDAY EMAIL"! So I open this email to find out that she sent an email with my name? Not sure what that is about? She said she was blind coping me but sent it with my name instead! Oh yeah- THANKS!  Oh but wait!
So those of you in my "peeps" circle know that I am totally FB lockdown... so I had posted the outcome of the game- everyone saw my mom's reply- and my comment back to my mommy (love you mom). So yeah- some how the Mom I talked to phrased what I said on FB the same way when she complained to the board. (That was her email). She doesn't want to give her name, or her daughters name. I can't say I don't blame her, but on the other hand what am I suppose to do? I will have to go back and "clean house" once again! Because like they say- who are your "friends"? Mine trust me, love me, respect me, and stand by me!

Saturdays

I think I know why God rested on Sunday. SATURDAYS!!! We put so much into our Saturdays that it becomes a necessity to rest. Between school work, kids games, the things we can't say no to, and then the parties. I mean it becomes an issue of Sunday's become Saturday's we have to rest at some point. Two days get everything done that we can't do while we are working- it just isn't enough! Stay home... yeah- those who know me, know that ain't happening! I said AIN'T! I know women will look at this two ways- I have something against stay-at-home moms, or I don't think stay-at-home moms have lives... Let me dispel all of that now! I have "stayed at home" a few times. The first time was when Lizzy was born... we looked at the cost of child care (before and after school, and then adding full child care) and for the three kids, MOST of my check was going to pay for child care- what fun is that- three kids- roughly $375 a week! Ahh working 3 days a week out of 5 to pay for child care- seriously? The other two days paid what??? Then it was the time... So it was decided... I'd stay home... At 4 months old I needed OUT, the kids were driving me nuts... staying home drove me nuts. I loved spending time with them, but two of them were gone, the other one only talked (cried) at me when she wasn't happy. She wanted Dad anyway. For me- I wanted WORK. Cleaning the house is fun, but only for an hour... And it doesn't take 5 days to scrub a bathroom- that's an illness! Yeah, I needed work! SO at that point I started working 2 days, it worked great, Rich was off both of those days so no child care and he saw the whole "pick kids up" life... a day of Mr. Dad. They always behave for Dad- total crap! As we have gotten older, we have added to our lives with activities and I no longer work Saturdays, often. BUT I have substituted that schedule with a full time work schedule because to be honest, staying at home is NOT something this mom can do!  I have since "stayed home" a couple of times due to surgeries. Once for 6 weeks and once for 4 weeks. Both times I remembered immediately why I work  I hate staying home. I hate sitting around, I hate "finding things to do", and I hate spending my days around the house... it makes me find projects- which is always dangerous. To my stay at home moms- you gals are awesome! I would need lots of drugs- the depression I felt alone was enough to send me running back to work... for me I need work... So when the retirement years come, don't count on me to be sitting on my back patio. I will, but only to plan my busy day... I won't be home... nope- Rich will have to keep up... His dance card will be pretty full! Yep, just like Saturdays!

wow life!

I am never quite sure which path to take in life. I have traveled many roads and lived such a great life for only being 35! Hardship always comes with any journey and you find yourself stopping along the way to refuel, look at the map to make sure you are on the right path, and in some cases change directions.

This last year has been (words just don't do it justice) insane. My job position has not changed per-say, but almost on a weekly basis everything around me is changing. Who I report to, the dynamics, and the structure. At some point I do see actual description changes ahead. In a world that has become driven with more for less- often employees are asked to "earn" their value. Funny- I already do- and then some! But that is another rant, another day!

My classes for my BS will be coming to an end soon- yeah! and then the big question- what next? My masters seems like the next step, but I have personal reservations. It has nothing to do with ability- my GPA speaks to that! (3.86- and that with have 2 major surgeries) I worry about the long term. I truly don't know how long I can work. Yes I said CAN. This year has been very eye opening. There have been times when getting out of bed felt like the biggest accomplishment. Fatigue, leg spasms, migraines, and general pain is just not a way of life- not at 35! Yet there are days even several days that go by and I feel great! I joke that I am too young for this, but the truth is- I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! and it drives me nuts. It's 7:30 at night and really I want to say good-night to my kids and call it a day... this is my current path... is it work? school? or something else causing my current path...

I will rant just a tiny bit regard the "event" and be done... some know I had been the VP of Softball at our local little league. I was removed by our board during a meeting after they voted stated I had been making negative comments to 3 separate  people about the board. Then as I tried to speak, I was cut off and called a liar... the paths we take. The motion was made, the vote was cast, it was done. The next morning I received and email and phone call from one of the 3 who was shocked that I was no longer with the board because she loved working with me. She was asking why I wasn't on the board... funny, I figured she would know... I explained that I had been informed I had made negative comments regarding the league/ board to her. She told me she had never said or implied that... hmm, funny! At that point it was clear to me, the path was chosen... I would take another one! My daughter has continued to play at the league (and have a good season). She hasn't improved, which is sad to see. I have made it a rule to go to the field and sit, just sit. Keep my mouth shut. But it is amazing what happens, and the things you hear. I have heard more complaints, more people upset with just about everyone. And the heartbreaking statements those who LOVE the game never want to hear "WE WON'T BE BACK!" over and over again. And I sit... I will not have it said that I SAID ANYTHING!
Broken hearted- oh yeah! Betrayed- you bet! When I had my hand surgery and could not comb my hair, button pants, or bathe myself I received 18-20 emails a day requested something. At one point I had people typing for me so I could keep up on my VP duties... thank god for kids and interns! Yet at NO point did a single board member ask me if I needed ANYTHING.
Now I look at my road and I see the path before me. I know I have to stay out of the heat. I know I can't do many things and I push myself to act normal, and I will continue to do so... it will just be a path that feels good... and hopefully with people that can love me along the way!