Two blogs????

"Life in blogging" started as my memory bank. I realized a bit ago there were times when I would flash back and think, "was that this week, this month, this year"? And it hit me- I need to be able to look back and have points of reference. Facebook is great for those short little moments when I want to call someone out for cutting me off in traffic, or send that "secret/hidden" message to anyone that needs to hear my thoughts. Half the time- the message is lost on them anyway... But what I have found the most, is I have used my "life in blogging" to really reflect, remember, and cherish the life and lessons I have learned along the way. Lessons from boys who treated me poorly, or boys who tried to nurture me but I was too young and immature to really understand. Lessons from adults- wow, I have had some serious lessons there! Anyone that actually follows this knows my hero, my superman, didn't wear a cape or jump from tall buildings- hardly raised his voice, but taught lessons that will be carried on for generations (if I can help it). Yep, my grandpa would shake his head to be called a hero... nah, he'd say, looking over the paper, or some tools, or the work bench, or my favorite- the hood of the car- and then tell of some "real" hero. Yeah... that's life, life lessons that you just don't want to forget because when you start to loose them, you want to be able to read them and think, "wow, she was a lucky person!" That will be me someday... who knows... I can still find my car keys- with a little help... but my shoes, well let's just say it's a good thing I have kids! Two blogs?? Yeah, this blog is to always remind me how wonderful my life was, is, and is going to be... the other... well- it's to explain to myself (kind of like a tracking guide) what happened...
I sure hope you stick around for the ride... cause it's like I like to say.... my hubby reminds my all the time we only control so much... so the rest I blog about! Thank you so much for your support!!! Leave a message, comment and share with your friends!!!

The WOW factor!

Sometimes you wake up and your "to do list" is just beyond your day. How can you possibly get everything done and still manage to stay sane? Is that even possible? I laugh sometimes when I look at my life and people remind ME I have MS. Really? Thanks for the reminder, cause for a second I forgot! See I live my life knowing that at any moment something could happen that dictates how I need to live it, so till then, I HAVE to live it! I know there are people that would say I have to go at a slow pace and rest and all that. Believe me, I do. I get plenty of rest, and have found plenty of ways of saying NO. But I have also found plenty of things to do.
About a year and a half ago I was in class listening to people "talk" and introduce themselves. It amazed me the importance they placed on their jobs and really didn't mention their family. It kind of saddened me. That moment I made a decision to be a wife first, then mom, then student, and then work... That was how I introduced myself. Totally funny how the reactions have been. Being a "full time wife and Mother" as I have said in blogs before isn't a joke, you don't get time off- ever! I laugh when others really have to wrap their heads around it... yep, when my hubby hurts I hurt, when my kids hurt I hurt.... When my business "shuts down" I go to a new employment! Funny! I guess the big WOW factor of my life will be when people look at me, they will see a WIFE and MOM that cared, and so it poured over into my work... not bad! I guess maybe I'll take time to rest (a few minutes for my MS).

Stuck

I'm totally stuck in my moment right now unable to move. It happens from time to time. I want to yell, scream, even cry if that would help. But I know in my heart none of those actions would solve anything. I'm just stuck. It's hard. The answers are a big unknown, causing stress bigger than life. I feel sometimes I am in a parallel universe living another persons life. My tummy rumbles, my heart aches, sometimes I actually do cry but to no relief it makes... I'm stuck, stuck in the middle between forwards and just standing still. There is no where else to go currently, because I can't just leave, so I'm stuck. It makes it even harder watching what goes on around me, knowing what I know. People think I have no clue, little do they know... I'm a whole lot brighter than they give me credit for. Yet they turn to me for all the answers, still I'm stuck, and it weighs on me. This isn't the way life was suppose to be... just stuck...

perspectives

I once was told life was all about how you look at things- the perspective. My grandfather always taught me that true beauty wasn't about capturing a photo from the best angle, using the best lighting, or having the best equipment- it was the perspective. There is a photo in my parents house of the Statue of Liberty taken as though she is simply going for a walk, another photo of a now "famous to some" Pegasus with smoke billowing around it just so slightly- these photos never won anything, but every time I see them in my heart I remember his words- "when you take pictures, if its clouds (he loved the sky) or people you have to remember to capture the meaning and purpose of the moment in the click, because in that moment it will be forever frozen in time". He would tell me these little lessons while we developed pictures in the dark room, and I can't help but think of him as we have reached the digital age and it is SO easy to take 900 photos- he would develop 12 maybe 24. As I look through my lens I have a new found perspective...  I am so grateful and blessed for the life that was hand picked for me!

Love and miss you Grandpa Sam thank you for your wisdom! I hope this picture is one we would have printed together!!!

wow life!

I am never quite sure which path to take in life. I have traveled many roads and lived such a great life for only being 35! Hardship always comes with any journey and you find yourself stopping along the way to refuel, look at the map to make sure you are on the right path, and in some cases change directions.

This last year has been (words just don't do it justice) insane. My job position has not changed per-say, but almost on a weekly basis everything around me is changing. Who I report to, the dynamics, and the structure. At some point I do see actual description changes ahead. In a world that has become driven with more for less- often employees are asked to "earn" their value. Funny- I already do- and then some! But that is another rant, another day!

My classes for my BS will be coming to an end soon- yeah! and then the big question- what next? My masters seems like the next step, but I have personal reservations. It has nothing to do with ability- my GPA speaks to that! (3.86- and that with have 2 major surgeries) I worry about the long term. I truly don't know how long I can work. Yes I said CAN. This year has been very eye opening. There have been times when getting out of bed felt like the biggest accomplishment. Fatigue, leg spasms, migraines, and general pain is just not a way of life- not at 35! Yet there are days even several days that go by and I feel great! I joke that I am too young for this, but the truth is- I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! and it drives me nuts. It's 7:30 at night and really I want to say good-night to my kids and call it a day... this is my current path... is it work? school? or something else causing my current path...

I will rant just a tiny bit regard the "event" and be done... some know I had been the VP of Softball at our local little league. I was removed by our board during a meeting after they voted stated I had been making negative comments to 3 separate  people about the board. Then as I tried to speak, I was cut off and called a liar... the paths we take. The motion was made, the vote was cast, it was done. The next morning I received and email and phone call from one of the 3 who was shocked that I was no longer with the board because she loved working with me. She was asking why I wasn't on the board... funny, I figured she would know... I explained that I had been informed I had made negative comments regarding the league/ board to her. She told me she had never said or implied that... hmm, funny! At that point it was clear to me, the path was chosen... I would take another one! My daughter has continued to play at the league (and have a good season). She hasn't improved, which is sad to see. I have made it a rule to go to the field and sit, just sit. Keep my mouth shut. But it is amazing what happens, and the things you hear. I have heard more complaints, more people upset with just about everyone. And the heartbreaking statements those who LOVE the game never want to hear "WE WON'T BE BACK!" over and over again. And I sit... I will not have it said that I SAID ANYTHING!
Broken hearted- oh yeah! Betrayed- you bet! When I had my hand surgery and could not comb my hair, button pants, or bathe myself I received 18-20 emails a day requested something. At one point I had people typing for me so I could keep up on my VP duties... thank god for kids and interns! Yet at NO point did a single board member ask me if I needed ANYTHING.
Now I look at my road and I see the path before me. I know I have to stay out of the heat. I know I can't do many things and I push myself to act normal, and I will continue to do so... it will just be a path that feels good... and hopefully with people that can love me along the way!