Love,love,love

When do you know you love someone? When they make a statement regarding your level of love and it crushes you? Or when they aren't around and your very being is at a complete loss? Love is one of those words that often gets easily tossed around, yet when you do use the word it can be met with laughter. Love can be confusing and conflicting. You love a sports team and you LOVE a plate of pasta, maybe even at the same time. The sports team may hurt you, the pasta may give you heart burn, but neither will give you heartache.
Love... Love is one of those things that can easily be shown through flowers. But also with a clean kitchen. 
Love is simple and yet so complex, but apparently sometimes it isn't enough.

Moving on

Three kids no more! Now we are 4! Well we are actually 5! My husband has never really had the opportunity to have a relationship with his son from a relationship before me. But we have added our Great niece. It has been crazy.
It has been frustrating. My niece seems to be in somewhat denial of reality. She is really no longer her mother and we are adopting her daughter. The family dynamic is crazy. Therapy is the least of my concerns. The holidays are coming. I can't post on Facebook without my post being judged. Lord help me!

Outshined? Or lighting it up?

When one kid excels at everything he or she touches what do you do? Me, personally, I let her! The youngest of 3 with an age gap of 5 and 8 years between her and her siblings, it wasn't that far fetched that she would do anything to "keep up". Personally, if she could have gone to high school with her older sister (8 years difference) just to spend time with her, I think she would have. Driven is a word that is thrown around a lot, determined gets added into the mix. I am not sure what exactly it is. She has those moments when she is totally satisfied being "the baby" of the family and wanting everyone to do for her. But then she has the more often than not, moments of sheer independence where she is the one capable of everything. If you want to come along for the ride, hurry up, train is leaving! I often sign forms for school not bothering to even ask anymore what they are for. Permission to volunteer for this, permission to participate in a leadership program, permission to attend college next year. Wait- what? Oh, yeah, she has already taken a college class or two so sure... 3 more next year, and maybe some over the summer. Who is this kid? I laugh when people caution me (which I get regularly)- make sure she doesn't get burned out. Um, I am not the one that signs her up for everything, I simply "approve" at the last minute. And I mean it! The form is always completely filled out and all I need to do is sign my name. She totally cracks me up. As for my other two. "Shining" to me has always been based on the light that is cast. I am sure you can all remember a cloudy day when you looked at the sky and the sun was poking through the clouds in streams of light. The areas that were in the sun had no idea about the areas covered in darkness. Each one of my kids offers unique perspectives to life. My oldest daughter is thoughtful and kind, tenderhearted, but cautions. She will laugh with you for hours, and hold you in your arms while you cry. She will drive out of her way to bring you a cold drink when you are really sick, and try to cheer you up, and then give you a hard time for getting sick in the first place. She will beg you to make her Dr.'s appointment for her and then tell you that you have to go to, because while she might be "an adult", there are still some things you "don't go alone". My son is complex to say the least. While men are supposed to be tough, he still is able to have compassion for those around him. He will look at a situation and see how he can help out. And while he will always argue with me about who loves who the most, the fact that he still wants me to know that he loves me, means the world. His place and path in this world is still being etched while he attends college, and I am enjoying watching him mature. My youngest daughter is our feisty one. And lately, most mentioned because she is the only one still attending high school. As mentioned before, she also is the most active. Not because the other two didn't that the opportunities, trust me, they were active in their own right and participated in everything they wanted to. But with her, she doesn't slow down, she doesn't have a stop button. I have gotten used to it. Do any of my kids outshine one of another? Not from where I am standing. From where I stand I have three great sunbeams shining and lighting up this earth each in their own unique way! There's no darkness in my life, only hope and excitement for the future!

Blessed to be surrounded

In life there are people who will be in your life. You may or may not know their intentions. I am blessed by being surrounded by people who are in my life because they want to be and they are truly invested in my life as much as I am in theirs. If people are toxic in your life... Treat them like a cold- get rid of them! Sorround yourself with people who make you the best version of you! ❤

Not a waste but felt like it... But not to her

An hour drive to watch my kid get walked twice would feel like a wasted night. Especially since we have to get up the next morning at 5 am & be at the school for an NJROTC competition. But truth be told, not seeing her play, although very frustrating, is also always a teaching moment. She amazes me. She got in the truck tonight, and sure she was extremely upset she didn't play, but what she focused on was everything about the game. Everything in the position and other positions (that she plays or otherwise) and she picked apart issues in a way I had never heard her do. It wasn't so much out of anger, but out of frustration this time. She knows the game. And she knows she studies the game, the positions and plays within it.
She may have sat out tonight, and just batted, but when she was called up, the pitcher didn't get her number. Nope not tonight.
Tonight she played smart.

Checked out

Sometimes in life I fear things become a treadmill. Just a non stop, not really going anywhere race that leaves you burnt out. The strive for prefection causes further distance from people close in your life. While you often want to be the best for those around you, you end up pushing them away while on your quest.
I am often reminded how fragile life really is everytime we hear about the person who everyone thought had everything together and then takes their life or overdoses on drugs. How does that happen? I truly believe that people wake up one day and just check out. It just becomes too much. Too much to be what everyone else sees or too much to maintain. Slowly or sometimes abruptly they just withdraw and checkout. Sometimes withdrawing from social groups, sometimes it starts with social media. People don't take notice because well, everyone has enough on their own plates. Unfortunately, as this person checks out of more and more things and fewer and fewer people notice them that's when it seems everything really happens. How does a person overdose on drugs and people didn't know they were taking them- they were alone!
I look at my circle and know that while I may check out for the night, I never check out for life.